Introspection
by Danyella Skyler Silverfire
Summary: Kakashi thinking over how he remembers Iruka from when they meet as teens to not long after the exams. One shot.


**Title:** Introspection  
**Author:** Danyella Skyler Silverfire  
**Website:** None  
**Rating:** PG or Teen  
**Genre(s):** Angst  
**Pairing(s):** Kakashi/Iruka (one sided)  
**Summary:** Kakashi thinking over how he remembers Iruka; from when they meet as teens to not long after the exams. One shot.  
**Warnings:** Heavy angst.  
**Disclaimer:** I don't own the rights to Naruto. I never have, and I never will. But that doesn't hinder my ability to enjoy it.  
**Author's Note:** I was in an angsty mood when I wrote this. I found it again when I was going through my files. I really couldn't think of anything to add to it so I decided to post it.  
**Word Count:** 1,270

* * *

The first time I met Iruka they had been assigned to work on a mission together. They were to track down some murderer and bring him back to justice in the village he committed his crimes. The man had been a fur trapper so he would be extremely difficult to track in those mountains he called home, not to mention he had to be good at covering his tracks being a tracker himself. 

So naturally we weren't sure what to make of this newly risen chuunin that got assigned to work with us. We found out not long later why he got assigned to work with us. While Iruka was only average with his normal ninja skills, he had to have been one of the best trackers I've ever seen.

He saw traces of the guy that even I didn't. Not to mention he was extremely focused while on the trail. Needless to say Iruka impressed us all, and that's saying something for three experienced and jaded jounin to be impressed by a no-named chuunin.

It took us a month to finally track the guy down. He had already been in hiding for six months before the villagers came to us, so the fact that we found him so quickly was a huge testament to his skills. We finished up swiftly after we found him, we brought him back to be executed and we returned home.

I had developed a fascination with Iruka over the course of the mission, as well as a certain protectiveness shared by the other two. I think part of it was that he never asked why I wore a mask or tried to remove it.

Every night he would just sit down beside me as we ate and tell me this ridicules story of what my possible reason could be, then always end with, "But that's not it, so maybe tomorrow I'll have it right, ne." and give me this bright smile that always had the ability to make me feel as if I was the most important person in his world at the moment.

It was amusing to say the least, and it also kept things from getting so tense as the mission dragged on. He also had the unique ability to make Gai blush that was always surprising. He really looked up to Gai and asked him to help him with his taijutsu saying that he always found it fascinating and slightly soothing.

Obviously that won Gai over really quickly, and it came to drive me crazy how close they got. He was an eager student who was willing to learn anything we would teach him stating that 'you never know when something useless might save your life.' Wise words.

I worked with Iruka on a few more missions over the next few years of varying ranks and my fascination with him grew with each one. He was a remarkably warm person in the world of shinobi; he found beauty in everything, so I wasn't too surprised when I realized that I had developed a crush on him that has yet to leave me.

Unfortunately I never got that close to Iruka, he had a habit of pulling people to him with his openness but not letting them get to close. So you can say I was disappointed when I found out he had a girlfriend, though not surprised. People like him weren't meant to be alone, so I swallowed my jealousy and watched over him from a distance.

His girlfriend was killed on a mission not long after he turned twenty. I still remember wishing I could go comfort him but knowing that while he respected me, even liked me in a distant way, he would never allow me to get that close. After that he became a teacher as a way to channel his grief. I was surprised to discover that it had been almost four years since we met and he had no idea how much of an influence on my life he was.

I'm not sure if it was better that way, I only pray to the kami that it was.

It was not long after he joined the teaching staff at the academy that he met his boyfriend, Mizuki. I met him only a couple times, but each time I was left with a bitter taste in my mouth. My dislike of him was later proved valid though not in a manner I would have liked.

Well after that I took on team seven as my genin team. I really had no expectations of them to pass. They all seemed too selfish to actually work as a team, and mostly I was correct, but when it came to when it really counted, they chose their teammate over themselves. Therein lays the true lesson of that exercise.

A surprising benefit of passing them was I got to interact more with Iruka. I was surprised by this, but I shouldn't have I realize in retrospect. Iruka had an incredibly ability of seeing the hidden and piecing together clues. It's what made him such a good tracker; he could make leaps with almost nothing while most people are trying to figure out if the clues are even relevant. I'm the same in a way, just not in the same manner. But then I guess that would be like comparing fire and a rock, both can hurt you, even kill you, but they can also both help you and can never be mistaken for each other though they can become one.

Of course now, things are different between us. Iruka still respects me, but any liking he held towards me disappeared through my actions and words when I entered my team into the exams. Not that I take them back or believe any less in them, I just could have found a softer way of saying it, a less hurtful way.

These days he is nothing more than distantly polite to me. The only things we discuss if we talk at all are work. He no longer questions me on my teams progress, or asks after how their doing. He just accepts my reports or gives me my missions then turns his attention to the next person.

I'm not sure if things are going to get better in the future or worse. I heard from Naruto that this was going to be his last year teaching at the academy. He was going back to being a regular chuunin again. Apparently his time as teacher had finally run up.

Which brings me to my current predicament. Sitting in my home and trying to decide whether or not to continue my yearly tradition of giving Iruka a present on the anniversary of his passing his chuunin exams. He never knew the gifts were from me, they were found months in advance so that there would be no chance of his finding out.

It was my way of bringing a smile to his face that was caused just by me. One of my few private joys was watching his face soften when he finds the red wrapped gift on his windowsill.

I don't know if I can stand to do it this year, it would hurt to much to know that that would be the only time I would see him smile just for me would be when he doesn't know it's me causing it. That hurts more than anything should. Eventually I leave to meet my team, training them always has a way of cheering me up, rather surprising all things considered, but welcome.


End file.
